Reflections

Hello.  How are you at this 1 o'clock in the morning time? 

I've been thinking a lot lately. Probably too much, which only leads to CB--Chaos of the Brain.  I suffer from that a lot.

I attended a funeral today, which usually sets the stage for life reflection.  For me, this is even more true as I cry at the drop of a hat since I've had Jules.  Seriously, if I drop a hat, I'm sure I will burst into melodramatic tears.

Anyway, the funeral was for the mother of a childhood friend with whom I still keep in contact.  You know how you "know" people, but you may not remember exactly how they look or how they sound if several years go by without seeing or hearing them? This lady's voice keeps singing through my mind, reminding me of the easy teenage years that at the time I couldn't wait to leave behind me. 

Now, I'm wondering even more what kind of an example am I setting for my children.  I constantly feel as if I'm failing, that there is so much more I'm supposed to do, yet I never get to do it.  I'm not talking about big things--little things mostly.  Taking more time to play with the girls.  Not being in a rush all the time.  Being able to stop yelling at the older ones to clean their room.  And then I wonder if their room is messy because I never find time to keep mine very clean.

You see, my mom was a stay-at-home mom.  She was always there.  Period.  Very rarely did she leave me with my father, and truth be told, if she did, he may have easily forgotten I was there and simply left the house (I'm being serious--not mean!),  Anyway, I find myself continually over-extending myself.  I have four children now, and they are my main priority.  However, I teach two classes, which really doesn't take that much time, except it does.  I do have to make time to write lesson plans, grade essays/assignments, drive to school, teach, drive back.  And then I'm out of energy.  I'm supposed to score new teacher qualification portfolios as well, but to be honest, I haven't had time.  I got a phone call the other day asking if I want to interview to teach a high school English class 1.5 hrs/wk for a cottage (homeschool) school starting in the fall.  I've spent the last few weeks gathering tax information, filling out W2s and W3s, updating Quickbooks--all for my husband's business.  Honestly, I often feel like waving goodbye to it all.  My dream was to marry, have children, and to write, but my writing dream is getting squashed under the pressure of mounting bills, and my husband and children aren't getting as much of me as I would like to give.  So now the question:  Am I just being lazy by wanting to just stay home, or am I being called to do so?  Temptation or opportunity--it's so difficult to decipher. 

I just want to make it to summer. 

But then I remember school sign-ups for next year take place in May, and I'm still doing the homeschool debate dance.  Would I have time?  Would I have patience?  What can I trade in order to allow my children to do that?  Would they have friends?  Would it really make a difference? Would I lose any more of my sanity?

I had Lovely tested at school this past week because her teacher is afraid she won't finish the IRead test in order to move on to 4th grade, and she's been recommended for intercession since 1st grade.  Surprise, surprise.  So far, she doesn't qualify for anything and she in fact has a 7th grade reading comprehension.  Although I've adored some of her teachers, that really makes me wonder about the other ones.  This year has not gone as I expected, but it's so difficult to make changes.  It's scary--you know it is.  Also, through school, they do get free flute lessons, art and music classes, choir, dress wacky days (today was funny hat day), some good field trips, and there's not that pressure that you so often feel when you're with just church people to be the best Christian possible.  Don't get me wrong--I try to teach my children that they should always be the best Christians they can be, but everyone makes mistakes, and not everyone sees everything the same way, so judgements are frequently made that really shouldn't (IMO). 

Ok.  Done with the reflection.  Time for bed.  Goodnight.