The Last of the Littles

The Ache, as Sarah so aptly names it in this post
 has been on my heart a lot lately.  I remind myself that I'm being selfish, that there are many out there who can't have any children, or can only have one, or have had the heartbreak of losing a child.  Yet, The Ache remains.  I sniff Jules until she likely thinks I'm some type of animal, and cover her in kisses until I'm afraid I'll chap her delicate new-baby skin.  I stroke her hair until the oil from my hands becomes visibly apparent, and I pat her back in comfort until my hand falls asleep.  I am cherishing her. 

Why am I over-doing it (or at least, paying more attention while I do so) with Jules?  Because she is my last.  The earlier link mentions how she was never one to want a house full of children, and I agree with that point.  However, I did always know I would be happy to just be at home (although finances don't allow me to do that only).  I always wanted four children:  two boys and two girls.  I got four children, but boys weren't in my future, for who knows what reason.  Girls are so...girly!  I can dress them in flowers and bows, or pull off stripes and solids, with hair accessories and matching shiny shoes or sandals.  I love my girls, and I love my four.  And yet, it's so difficult to know I'm closing a chapter of my life. 

Jules has outgrown her newborn clothes already.  I find myself anxious, wondering how long I'll be able to nurse her, not wanting to stop, yet knowing it's always been somewhat of a challenge for me.  To the contrast, I wonder what to do with all the stuff I will be finished with in too short of a time.  I've had that aquarium baby swing for nine years, and the mint green Boppy, and the white bassinet sitting on a pair of dining room chairs in my bedroom (and she's all too quickly growing out of it; only another 6 weeks remain at most).  What will I do with the baby Tubby I've used for each of my children's baths until they could sit up?  What on earth do I do with all this STUFF?  Because to me, it's not stuff; it's memories.  Memories of the blessings I've always wanted and what I've been given. 

I know I've loved watching my older children grow.  I know I can't afford twelve children, nor would my body handle twelve pregnancies.  I know I want to give as much love and attention to the children I have, but I will always harbor the want, the wish, the dream of what it was like to have those babies.  I know new and wonderful things are in the chapters ahead, but just as I dread turning the final page of a novel I've been emotionally engrossed in, it's difficult to turn the page of the baby stage--especially now that it seems I've gotten that burping strategy down just right, the perfect napping schedule, and recognition of their various scents and callings.  Perhaps I can use it on the grandkids...in twenty years.

Toddling and Smiling

Forgot to mention...Laeah is finally walking around much more...on her feet!  Yay!  I may be able to leave my house soon!  Let me say, it's been tough not being able to lift more than 10 lbs for a month, walking around in pain, living in a...ahem...much less than "clean" house.  I am very thankful my BFF showed up to clean a few days after I left the hospital, and made some headway in the bathroom and kitchen at least :)  However, the house has since come under attack again by little ruffians (sp?). 

Also, at 4 wks old, Jules gave me a huge gummy smile...a real smile.  She laughed at me last night, too.  S keeps saying I have a mama's girl, and I hope he's right.  It's about time--Lovely and Laeah are definitely daddy's girls, and Snugglebug says shes a mommy and daddy girl.  How very diplomatic of her!  

Fluffy Buns

I keep telling Laeah that she's wearing her fluffy buns when I put a cloth diaper on her, and she seems just fine with that :)  I haven't been cloth diapering strictly, but I've been doing it when possible.  I still use a disposable at night and during naps, just in case there may be leaks (although disposables leaked often at night as well).  I have a total of 12 diapers, I believe, and these aren't your grandma's diapers.  I bought snap (some with snap & velcro) pocket diapers, so there is a pocket on the inside where you stuff an insert (mine are microfiber and foldable bamboo).  I also use flushable liners for messier changes--I don't subscribe to the dunking method, if you get my drift.  At changing time, I just unsnap, remove the liner, and toss the diaper in a waterproof pillowcase (MUCH cheaper than a large wet bag).  To wash, I separate the inserts from the diaper, rinse on cold, wash on warm, and usually give an extra rinse.  Sometimes I hang the diapers to dry, sometimes I use the dryer.  Gee, how hard does that sound?  

Honestly, a lot of people still look at me like I'm crazy, including S.  Not sure why--I am saving money here, but he just hasn't realized it yet, I don't think.  And changing them/washing them is not difficult or overly time consuming.  I wash every 2-3 days, which I have to do with our regular laundry anyway (I mean, there are 6 people in this house now, come on!).  The hardest part?  Fitting clothes over fluffy bottoms.  I may be overstuffing, yet, I use two inserts because one absorbs more but not as quickly, and one absorbs less but quicker.  I've done a ton of research, and I'll get it figured out eventually, I hope.  I still aim to add 12 more diapers before I'm done since I have two little ones.  I haven't done cloth yet with my newest, but I plan to once she turns 2 months.  

What odd tasks have you been up to lately? And have you chosen any special words lately?  I was inspired because I saw several bloggers doing so, including doing it with children, which I may have to try :)  Remember, trust you are blessed :)

Just Words

Whoever said that was totally lying.  Words are powerful.  Words hurt.  Words heal.  Lately, a lot of words have hurt me (partially because of the lack of sleep, partially because of life, and partially because of the grumpy person wielding them), and I've also been at a total loss for solutions to various situations--even at a loss of words. 

However, I'm going to pick up a word today--maybe two-- and apply them to the rest of the year:  FAITHFUL and BLESSED.  Too many times, I let doubts and fears get the best of me.  Too many times, I break down and wonder how I'm ever going to get through something.  Yet, I know many have things worse than me.  I am blessed with four wonderful (yet exasperating) children.  As much as I'd love to stay home all the time, I am blessed to be able to earn a small income while only being away from my children 6 hours per week.  I am blessed to have a roof over my head and shoes on my feet (no longer stylish ones, as comfort has superseded style), and food in my belly.  I am blessed to enjoy the smiles of my family and hear their laughter (although inappropriate at some hours).  I am blessed. 

What is prompting all of this?  I've realized things are just out of my control, despite my control-freak nature.  For example, I had saved up enough money to finally buy the glider-recliner I've wanted for years.  I was given money for it last year, but I ended up paying bills instead, and so I literally received nothing for Christmas.  Nothing.  This year, I put Christmas gift money and baby money, along with carpool cash, all toward my glider.  I finally took the plunge and purchased it.  What did I receive in the mail just two short days later?  Thousands of dollars of bills.  Extra bills--not like electricity bills or anything--but very important ones, none the less.  What did I do?  I cried, of course!  Yet, I know God is in control, and He does not give us more than we can handle (and boy, are we amazed at what He knows we can handle sometimes!).  I know He will provide, and I know I must be faithful and accept that I am blessed in order to receive my blessings.  

What are you blessed with lately?

Nursing Cover.  Pattern found at Craftaholics Anonymous

Hello!  I can't believe it, but the last time I remember seeing my old nursing cover, I was pulling it out of my diaper bag saying, "I won't need this for a few more months."  I set it aside and now...who knows where it went! 

So, instead of spending $20+ on a new one, I decided to spend around $15 to make one.  Honestly, it only cost that much because I wanted a particular heavier cotton, even though I wasn't as crazy about the patterns.  Weight was important because I wanted a fabric that would stay in place, despite the wriggles of Jules!  

Anyway, I thought, "It's a rectangle.  Certainly I can't go wrong with sewing a rectangle!"  Those of you who know my history with sewing may instantly raise your hands in objection, and yes, you have grounds to do so!  Everything went pretty well (or so I thought) until I finished everything and tried it on.  Suddenly I found myself wondering, "Why is it so LONG?"  

You guessed it.  I sewed it like an apron with the straps on the narrow edge.  Why?  Who knows.  My brain just doesn't work right when planning the creation and ending of a pattern.  Thankfully, it wasn't that hard of a fix:  I took off the straps and boning, moved them to the correct side, opened one side of the pocket, and sewed the other side closed.  And of course, ran out of thread twice while making the corrections.  Cool thing about this project:  I learned what boning is and practiced sewing it on.  The boning is in place at the neck so I can see the baby underneath the cover and not have to wonder what on earth is going on down there!  

Now, I just pray I continue being successful at nursing.  I have pumped a lot, but we have to introduce the bottle in two weeks so my mom can feed Jules once on the two days per week that I work.  I will only be gone 3.5 hours 2 days per week, so she should only need to feed once.  

So what projects have you messed up on this year?  Do share and make me feel better!

Bobbling Around

So cute!  I decided to make a winter headband for my niece using Allison's pattern.  It was so easy and quick, and I felt like a mature crocheter (lol) by adding the fancy bobbles!  I highly suggest this headband if you want to crochet, but at the same time, many may receive one of these in the future as a Christmas present or birthday present! lol  I posted this pic on facebook and immediately had a request for me to make one for my friend's daughter--how cool is that? I did use a size I hook because I couldn't find my H, and my yarn must have been thicker because I only did around 45 rows instead of 54.

The only downside to all the crocheting I've been doing is that my hands keep getting numb and I'm wondering if the crocheting has to do with it or if it is completely post-pregnancy related...we'll see!